“I had not been living, just breathing for a while, feeling stuck, fat, ugly, hopeless, unappreciated, unloved and all words beginning with “un” you can imagine”
In this deeply personal post for The Yucatan Times, Merida Life Coach Margarita Castillo reflects on implications of appearance and the “Un” Word in the lives of women. This is the first of two parts, with the second to be posted Monday.
What a wonderful weekend I had! As the plane is running and taking off, I see the buildings looking smaller through the window and feel so grateful and filled with love and joy. I’m astonished feeling this way… I still remember some years ago, constantly googling: —How to feel happy— Somewhere I found the answer: “Love yourself”.
I went back to google for thousand times, and in different languages expecting to find the answers to my newest interrogations: —How can I love myself? Are there steps to self-love? What do I have to do to love myself? —
I know, this sounds like a joke, but I was so desperately stuck in a terrible moment in my life…. I had not been living, just breathing for a while, feeling stuck, fat, ugly, hopeless, unappreciated, unloved and all words beginning with “un” you can imagine… Even though I had a beautiful life, a loving husband, four joyful kids and a job that I really enjoyed; I felt unhappy, and that is the word.
Going back in my life, I recall an important moment that marked forever my life and the way I saw myself: When I was 20, I participated in Miss Mexico. After that wonderful year, I got married, started working on my profession and later on, started a family. As I was getting more responsibilities in my life, I was equally gaining more weight. It seemed like a scale equalizing weight in both sides, life and body… And the struggle started there.
My thoughts were:
—Who am I… Was I a Model? Looking like this? —
One day an old acquaintance didn’t recognize me, because of my overweight and it was devastating. Then, one day I heard a powerful comment and bought in it: —”X person” is getting divorced, who wants to be with that girl who got that fat? —
BOOM! Instantly I thought that that mantra could be mine! (Our mind is crazy! Always saying things which are not necessarily true, now I know, I didn’t know then). Then I thought: —My husband is not going to love me if I’m fat— So, I felt miserable, not worthy and not enough. The only way to feel better and soothe that pain was eating, that’s how I was taught when I was a girl. Every time I behaved well, cried, went to the doctor, suffered something, the consolation prize was something sweet to eat, a lollipop, ice cream or candy… So, I was feeling sad, sweets to heal the sadness sounded perfect! And I got more pounds, and more sadness and this became a never ending circle. I was going down in a very deep hole…
By Margarita Castillo for TYT
Margarita Castillo
Margarita Castillo is a mother of four, writer and speaker from the heart. She is also a Life Coach, BARE Certified Coach, facilitator of The Work from Byron Katie. and Chemist specialized in Human Resources. “But first of all, I am a woman, in a constant search for learning more, sharing what I know and helping others find inner peace and self love.”
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